Madonna gets dumped by Jesus Luz. Let's pretend we care for a few minutes.

Apparently, Madonna has 'gone to ground' after being dumped by Jesus Luz.

Everyone keeps saying this, but what does it mean exactly? Has she been buried somewhere? Is it like when vampires get buried underground to restore themselves? That would make sense actually…

Anyway, it sounds like Jesus gave her the boot after realising they have nothing to talk about.

Er, it’s been a year – is this really the first time they’ve stopped shagging to have a conversation?

A secretive secret source from Secretville said: “It’s the age-gap, he’s 23 and she is 51.”

Oh, it’s the age-gap... no shit. Please be more specific, secretive secret source from Secretville.

Continue… “How long could it last? How it even lasted a year seems a miracle to a lot of people. They had nothing to talk about.

“It’s pretty much over now.”

Anyone give a shit? No, us either. Doesn't even look like Jesus does - he's with a bunch of girls on the beach in Rio.

Pic: PA