Before Jordan never talks about Pete again, she’s going to talk about him every day on TV

According to our Jordan ticker, there’s 45 days until she officially shuts up the hell up, forever, about ex husband Peter Andre but we have a feeling by that time we may have ended our lives in exasperation after watching Ms Price’s “closure” in the I’m A Celebrity jungle (that’s a lie, we can’t wait for the hideousness to unfold in front of our eyes).

It sounds very much like someone has advised her to use her return to Australia as a means to finally move on from Pete. At least that’s what she’s spouting as her reason for returning to the place she met him six years ago in a blatant attempt to casually gloss over the fact she’s getting paid a massive £350,000-plus to keep people watching the tired show full of has-beens.

“For others, it’s a game show. For me, it’s closure. I’m going back to a place where a big fairytale began for me,” Katie read from her pre-prepared script / revealed whilst fighting back tears, said.

“I met my husband, I had two more beautiful children and six years on I’ve been married, divorced, ready to go back in and am now shagging a cross-dressing cage-fighter. I’ve had a crap year and the fairytale has ended. I’m going in for closure.”

Katie also claims she’s not a nutter, is a good mum, isn’t a man-eater and is “wiser”, which we read as richer.

Despite her vileness, we’d much rather watch Jordan’s attempt at getting the public back on side than an overweight former snooker player doing… nothing – which is basically the alternative. In fact we can’t wait until she goes in tonight, the only thing that could possibly make it even more compulsive viewing would be if a certain burly ladyboy by the name of Roxanne skydived down in his/her heels and smudged red lippie - now that’s the stuff fairytales are made of. Please make it happen ITV gods, please!