And the celeb winners of this week's 3am.co.uk Bleaties are...

• Posted by: 3am
• 20/11/09
• 08:00 pm

So, yeah, odds are we’re more likely to give some celebs a metaphorical slap around the chops than on the back on most occasions.

But no doubt the weekly 3am.co.uk Bleaties Awards will soon come to be regarded as the greatest accolades in the game. The virtual after parties are unreal, too.

Those celebs going home with a Baaaaaafta this week are…

Queen Of The Jungle? Nah, Queen Of The Woooooorld! Of The Week

She claimed she wouldn’t be able to nibble on a willy because of her veneers before heading into the jungle for I’m A Celeb, but it was water that caused Katie Price the most initial consternation (if consternation can be measure in terms of how little a bikini you take it on in).

After saying she wouldn’t talk about Peter Andre (remember him?) while on the show, she swiftly started chatting about how they met and how she hopes they can be matey again in 2010 (incidentally, after she’s supposed to be shutting the hell up about her ex-husband forever).

Tbf and tbh, she hardly had time to squeeze in as much Pete as we expected her to after saying she wouldn’t talk about him at all, what with all the Bush Tucker trials the public have thrust upon her and copping a right earful from Kim.

She’s even considered ending it all (being in IACGMOOH, NOT HER LIFE) while other reports suggested she may be in the frame to appear on the US version of the show.

Time to churn out some more Team Price T-shirts. The public will miss her when's she gone/had a nervous breakdown.

Man We’d Most Like To Marry/Suspect Of Grisly Murder Of The Week

Interchangeable qualities, we know. Aside from the fact that his face is a bit, well, average, it seems that Olly Murs might actually be the perfect man. Unless he is disposing of body parts via his wheely bin.

Fabricated Diva Bollocks Of The Week

According to some very creative newspaper reports, Beyonce demanded a wind machine during her tour party at London club Kanaloa (isn't that an STD?), because it makes her hair look all swishy and nice. Piffle.

Looks Like He Loves Actually Wearing Actual Shit Of The Week

We’re not suggesting Mark Ronson is, in actuality, a scat freak. But it does look like it if you get a bit creative with your thoughts. So do.

Complete And Utter Filth Of The Week

This banned Enrique Iglesias video is pure disgusting filth - and we love it! And now we can’t get the image of him cracking one off out of our heads.

Twat Hat Of The Week

We want to call Daisy Lowe an attention-seeking twat for wearing such a stupid hat. But a little tiny part of us thinks she looks kind of cool, not to mention cosy. In fact, that tiny part of us would also quite like a hat like this. So that must make us attention-seeking twats too.

Definitely Not A Twat, But Wearing A Hat Of The Week

This time last week, pineapples were just a fruit. A funny-looking fruit, yes, but still just a fruit.
Now though, thanks to Calvin Harris, they're symbols of protest. So is Cheryl Cole's decision to wear one on her head a subtle way of spreading the anti-Jedward message?

Arse Flasher Of The Week

If it was Jodie Marsh or similar wearing a dress like this, we'd be swearing at our computer screen, but because Frankie from The Saturdays is all pretty and nice and stuff, she can get away with it. Just.

Horniest Man In Britain Of The Week

Do a little sick in your mouth: ex X Factorer Jamie Afro is on the prowl.

Sexiest New Revenue Stream For A Football Club Featuring Katy Perry Being All Undressed Of The Week

If your boyfriend gives you a West Ham basque like Katy's, you should ask him whether he's been considering any of the following sexy options...

Let Us Just Be Serious For A Moment And Have A Right Go At Kate Moss Of The Week

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", eh Kate? Tell us, should you ever receive one, what does a punch in your moronic gobhole taste like?

Face We Most Want To Touch And Lick And Bite Of The Week

Zac Efron's face is so beautiful we've dedicated a whole picture gallery to it. Bookmark now, salivate at leisure.

No Burgers, Just Shagging, Please Of The Week

There's nothing more annoying than stick-thin celebrities who pretend they spend their days stuffing doughnuts into their mouths, so we'd like to offer Victoria Beckham a tiny round of applause for admitting that she doesn't eat junk food. She is partial to a portion of Becks though, SHOCKER.

Extreme Blagging Of The Week

We like shoes. A lot. And we might have made up little songs about them in our heads from time to time, but we've never actually released a single about them. Jennifer Lopez, on the other hand, has.

Jedward-A-Likey Of The Week

Really, RPattz? Really? Shouldn’t you be washing or something instead of trying to pass yourself off as a pair of X Factor irritants?

Most Cleverest Funny Ha Ha Reference To RPattz’s Cock Of The Week

Best news evvvvvvvvvver for all you girls that dream about having 12 inches of Edward Cullen/RPattz all to yourself...

Most Promient Tattoo Of Simon Cowell On Another Man’s Arse Of The Week

Some bloke – who isn’t even a flipping celeb – in Wales called Blane Dickinson has had Simon Cowell tattooed on his bum. His pink, pimply bum.

Camel Toe Of The Week

The Gossip Girl laydeez are normally impeccably groomed, but it looks like Leighton Meester's outfit was put together by a lab rat undergoing experiments with ecstacy.

Mmmm, What Is The Message We Should Be Getting From This Picture? Of The Week

Looks like Cheryl's getting a bit fed up with everyone obsessing about whether or not she's wearing her wedding ring - this is her subtle way of showing the world that her ring is firmly on her finger.

Most Pressing Political Issue Of The Week

Gordon Brown, how could you get it so WRONG about X Factor and ‘Daryl’???? Go back to your “meetings” at “Number 10” and “determine” “fiscal policy” or something else boring and grown up.

Strop Of The Week

Surprise, surprise – Danyl has apparently made himself look a bit of a tool, again. He’ll learn, one day. Oooh, we’d love to give him a good learning, n’all… Can someone remove this keyboard from within reach of our fingers please?

(Pic: Rex Features)