And the celeb winners of this week's 3am.co.uk Bleaties are...

So, yeah, odds are we’re more likely to give some celebs a metaphorical slap around the chops than on the back on most occasions.

But no doubt the weekly 3am.co.uk Bleaties Awards will soon come to be regarded as the greatest accolades in the game. The virtual after parties are unreal, too.

Those celebs going home with a Baaaaaafta this week are…

Bleatie Lifetime Achievement Award Of The Week 

Quiet one for Katie Price this week…

Her mum Amy has defended her daughter’s libido. KP has put it out there all of the fuss that surrounds her may give her cancer. She’s also casually mentioned that Alex Reid renewed her passion for shagging after it had all tailed off with Pete – oh, and she thanked Pete for indirectly making it happen. And she’s had a pop at Nicola McLean for kissing her child or spilling her pint or something.

Immense.

Pete on the other hand has launched his fragrance which, according to him, smells a bit like Lily Allen and has played virtual barista on his Twitter by pretending to have a coffee shop with his online friends. Tot up the score, Pete – this week’s she’s had yer. 

Jedward Off Of X Factor Of The Week

Jedward have been totally Jedward this week, including sending a merchandisey message to the haterz and finally rustling up a sob story about the fact they were almost once dead when really little, like baby little.

They’ve positioned themselves firmly at the top of the X Factor agenda by letting it slip what song they’re performing on Saturday. And even more profiley-good, they’ve annoyed Simon Cowell enough for him to call them “deluded”. Well done, lads. Ooooh, we could wear your faces or something. Oh, we can!

Halloween Of The Year

We got plents for you. Do you desire to see the X Factor contestants – barring Danyl – dressed up in Halloween costumes? This be your lucky day.

Think Kerry Katona is a witch and Alexa Chung is an ugly old hag? Then find in our picture gallery of Halloween lady celebs some foundation for your prejudices!

Seen the random filth of Count Cockula yet? Have a look, but maybe not for too long.

Like doggies all dressed up in silly costumes, but don’t want to think about the mild animal abuse undertones? Then you must click here.

Have a hunger for perpetuating a Paris Hilton pregnancy myth and want to tie it in with a pumpkin association? Us too!

Posediest PR-friendly Pose Of The Week

Guess what? Danyl’s a bit of a POSER! Shock, non? So, after standing next to each other and showing everyone their teeth, now we’re supposed to accept D and Stacey are mates? Believe.

Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Na Na Na, Go-ood-bye Of The Week

A national treasure was lost this week as Babs Windsor decided to pull her last pint/call time on her EastEnders career/bar herself. Don’t worry, they’ll be another national treasure to lose next week, we’re sure. That’s not a hex, btw. Although, maybe if we concentrate really hard…

Like, Duh Of The Week

Even Joss Stone admits that you need to be on drugs to enjoy her music. Oh come one, Joss – at least you must like you.

Enormous Athlete That Sounds A Little Bitty Bit Like He’s Stepped Off The Venga Bus Of The Week

Congratulations to basketballer DJ Mbenga, whose career we weren’t previously aware of until he shook hands with David Beckham and a person with a camera took a picture of this historic meeting. Does Becks look scared because DJ has just used Posh as a toothpick?

We Believe You, Oh Yes We Do (Not Really, We Don't! Gotcha!) Of The Week

Keisha is totally over being ejected from the Sugababes, and has no hard feelings against the back-stabbing, traitorous bitches she may once have called friends but now they’re nothing, nothing to her but her former colleagues.

Looks Like Mutton, Probably Doesn’t Taste Of Chicken Of The Week

By day Pammy Anderson nuzzles men in tatty old seal costumes for some charity doodah. But by night the muttony temptress rubs her well-travelled crotch over designer Richie Rich on a runway for a ‘fashion’ gig as sweaty men take snaps for their moby wank banks. Puke.

Distasteful And Creepy Twatbags Of The Week

Stand up, twatbags behind Alex Reid’s “torture porn” film Killer Bitch. Now sit down. And piss off. We said piss off.

Most Trustworthy Lonely Bollock Face Of The Week

Even after admitting he’d had treatment to fill in the deep grooves on his chin, Gordon Ramsay still looks as if he takes off his face every night and keeps it safe in a jar full of pickled cabbage.

Vilest Celebrity Spawn Of The Week

This will probably be your only ever Bleatie, Peaches Geldof. You’re top of our list of New Year’s Resolutions for people to ignore in 2010. You’ve even made Fearne Cotton seem competent and sympathetic by comparison.

Coldest Cock Of The Week

Poor Becks had to shove an ice pack up his shorts, but despite his Blackandblueballs he still looked damn fit.

Breakthrough Artist Most Likely To Suffer A Breakdown Before She’s A Teenager

What hope for Miley Cyrus’ nine-year-old sister Noah when she’s allowed to go out dressed up not unlike - it may be argued - some kind of child prostitute? Were we supposed to mince our words with this one?

Sweatiest Betty Of The Week

More than a fashion faux pas, J-Lo’s husband Marc Anthony poor decision on what to wear for an NFL game left him dripping like that fat man down the gym that never wipes the saddle dry.

Gangster Rapper Turned Social Commentator Of The Week

50 Cent was a very pleasant man when we met him earlier this week. Didn’t know who Susan Boyle is, though. Made us like him even more.

Highest Concentration Of Insufferable Gonks Of The Week

Aka: When Paris Met Bono. And then she proceeded to Twitterbumsuck up to him. More irritating than popping in contact lenses cleaned in vinegar?

Awkwardest Encounter Of The Week

Aka: When Brian Met Mark. McFadden looked snooty and Croft looked like a man you wouldn’t trust at a car boot sale as they came face to face at Manchester Airport.

Jam-Packediest And Classiest Reason For Shovelling Drugs Of The Week

Kerry Katona blames being caught snorting coke on video on the stories suggesting husband Mark Croft had been groping up strippers. Who can really argue with that?

Ulikeliest Style Icon Of The Week

Kelly Osbourne, we love your style. Did we really just type that? Nice looking cake, too. But did you actually try any?

Innovativest Urination Of The Week

Lils and her boozy floozy friends had a right lairy one after the Q Awards on Monday. For us that usually means a bottle and a half of cheap deal Chenin Blanc, an ill-advised sambuca and a eggy baguette on the way home. But for Lilly’s gang, that apparently involves widdling in a sink. Do they wash their hands in the toilet after?

Sweariest Comedic Instance From An Unlikely Source Of The Week

Retiring his lumpen acting skills in favour of wearing suits so ill-fitting they make him look like a badly-delivered (ooooh, union-related politics!) battered birthday present, Arnie still finds time to hurl profanity. Just in a really sneakisome way.

Heart-Rendingly Emotionalest Heart Pouring Interview Of The Week, Sniff

Who needs an expensive therapist when you can chat to Piers Morgan for free? Dannii, we’re typing at you.

Friend To Midgets Of The Week

Or maybe Mr. Hudson just considers being seen fagging with two corporate midgets in Tango orange gear outside Whisky Mist less embarrassing/detrimental to his public profile than being spotted with Fearne in tow?

Dad Most Dangerous To Offspring’s Health Of The Week

If drugs don’t kill Lindsay, Michael Lohan might well do.

Faux Animal Cruelty Of The Week

How many cats died to make Elen Rives's winter coat? Hello Kitty, we want to wear you too!